Some questions answered

I find myself with a spare half hour or so and decided to write here. I know that I started the whole blog because I wanted to write more regularly (and still want to), with all the practice makes prefect blah blah blah, that hasn't happen and my excuse is so lame: life happens, I am too busy living it rather than writing about it. But today I figure out that the real issue here is that I have never pencilled in regular writing time in my calendar. I am somewhat rather too attached with my diary, so yeah go figure. Then again, I am learning, okay, so take it easy.

Anyway, I thought I might just write about a list of questions that I have been asked about the blog.

(1) How did you come up with the blog name?
Belle is my name, so it's just somewhat natural that it's gotta be there. I mean, I brainstormed a gazillion of names for the blog and ended up not liking most of them. Reinvention is a term that I am somewhat intimate with. The reason for this was a conversation that I had with people that I admire, and one of them mentioned that in this life, you have to constantly reinvent yourself. I agree with that, simply because I am of view that if we don't change, we would become stagnant, and irrelevant. So in order to stay relevant, we have to constantly evolve to the next level (whatever that maybe).

(2) Are you going to write about this on the blog?
"This" is usually some conversation that I have, whereby something is being discussed rather passionately. As I have always said, I am not going to write about it (whatever it is) unless I have asked your permission to write about it. I think this is the polite thing to do. Plus, one of my pet peeves in life is when someone quotes me out of context, which happens, quite unfortunately, intentionally or not intentionally. So this is something that I try not to do with my blog. Oh, I also prefer to write about my thoughts - you know, my blog, my thoughts, my life. Yeah.

(3) Do you like blogging? What do you like about it?
Do I like it? Yeah, I do. I like writing, so this whole thing just happens. There are days in which I have to insist on it, but once I get started I roll with it. It certainly wasn't like this with running, because there were days whereby I had to literally drag myself to run. With blogging, it was like, yeap, let's do this. No dragging. Just a question of finding time to do it - which I shall do more diligently from now on. What do I like about it? I don't know. I just do.

(4) Who in "real life" knows about you blogging?
A lot of people, actually. Most people who've found me on twitter would at some point find this blog - because I write it there. I don't go by the label "blogger" yet because I feel that term is reserved for someone who blogs for a living, and I am definitely not there yet.

(5) Will you post photos? Your photos?
Sure, why not. Here's one to end the post:

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Happy sunday

hi guys!

it occurred to me yesterday, as i was writing another post, that i never thank you for (1) visiting this blog and (2) reading the stuff that i write here. so here we are: thank you for visiting and thank you for reading. i do hope that you like what you read and would visit every so now and then. and yes, this is me, writing! some of you have said so many nice things about my writing that makes me blush (ahem). thank you so so much for all the compliments. that means a lot to me. (teary eyes)

this side of me, the writing side of me, comes as a surprise to some many of you. i am not sure why that's the case. maybe that's because i don't really talk about it to a lot of people. it is not about me not wanting people to know about this blog, the more people that know, the better! it is because, oh well, in my life, a lot of things happen and so it just so happens that there are a lot of things that i talk about and since there's a daily limit to my interactions, some things take precedence over others.

i have been blogging on and off for years now. blogging was a side-effect of my doctorate years whereby i locked myself for hours on end in an attempt to persist with writing my dissertation. isolation brings with it a certain kind of ... procrastination, my mind often wandered off thinking about anything else other than the dissertation, so i started writing all of these waves of random ideas and that's how the first blog started. then there's the phase of writing in Indonesian so that i could at least not lose my language skills, a battle that i have not put on hold for a long time, much to my Dad's annoyance (sorry Dad!).

these days, the blog becomes an outlet for practising writing. this is apparently important to develop one's writing skills. i think it is unnecessary to say that i sort of like writing. kind of similar in the way that i like drawing  except that i write way more than i draw. i kind of like shoes slightly more than writing, in fact, i think i spend way too much time figuring out which shoes i'd like to buy next. conversations with my boyf go like this:

me: can i buy these shoes? (showing something on screen)
him: (look at screen) those are nice. get them.
me: u sure?
him: i will buy a new shoe rack.

i kid you not. this is one of the endless reasons as to why i keep falling in love with this man over and over again.

and just as a general rule, if we happen to be conversing in real life, and i feel like that conversation will make a great blogging topic, i am going to say something along these lines: can i write about this? this is a cue for you to either say yes, you can or no, i prefer to keep this conversation private.

anyway, from where i am sitting, the sun is out, finally!! woo hoo! i am going to get out of the house!

have a great Sunday! x

The handbag

One of the perks of being a woman is that you get to carry handbags. There is no shortage of cool handbags to carry if you know where to look. Like this one, for example. The one bag that almost makes me an Apple convert. Almost.

Some lies we tell women

The Thought Catalogue, as the name suggests, is a site that contained a lot of thought-provoking pieces. I don't quite remember how I come across this piece, but I can't help re-posting because, oh well, I agree with most, if not all, of it. 

1. There is such a thing as a “real” woman and she is defined by “having curves,” which is not to be confused with “being fat,” and if you fall too far outside of that particular bell curve, you do not count as a “real” woman.

2. There is something inherently wrong with you if you have slept with a certain number of people, and it must be the result of some former trauma or unfinished business you have.

3. There is something inherently wrong with you if you are insisting on remaining a virgin until marriage, or indefinitely, and it is something that can be rectified with “the right man.”

4. Bisexual women are simply “going through a phase” or “having a little fun,” and are doing it mostly for the attention of the men they are more attracted to.

5. There is a direct correlation between the kind of clothes you wear and the amount of respect you deserve.

6. Men are entitled to sex with you after a certain amount of nice gestures, and if you remain uninterested after the right combination of activities and words, you are responsible for his unhappiness for being a cold bitch.

7. You are “supposed to” enjoy and universally support any number of female artists and creators simply because she is female, and not because you actually identify with her work in any way.

8. There is a certain amount of your worth as a person — and it’s significant — which is tied up in your relationship status.

9. You owe strange men on the street who call out to you and make you feel uncomfortable to smile at them and cheerfully dismiss their advances.

10. If you don’t smile, and you don’t make yourself as amicable as possible while getting away, you are guilty of being a frigid bitch.

11. If you are too friendly, you’re leading them on.

12. The vast majority of your value in dating someone is how good-looking you are. The other qualities you may or may not possess are rendered largely unimportant in the face of your physical beauty.

13. If you don’t look like a photoshopped image of a model in a magazine, there is something inherently wrong with you, and not with the image.

14. If you spend enough money on beauty products, clothes, and haircuts, you will become as beautiful (and therefore as worthy) as said women in the magazines.

15. There is a “correct” course of action to take as a woman when you are in an abusive relationship, and if you don’t follow it to the letter, you are deserving of shame and mockery for not presenting a good example for other women.

16. It is every woman’s job to be a model of some kind for other women in her life.

17. If one woman acts a certain way, or engages in a certain behavior, she is a reflection on all women and not just herself and her personal choices.

18. There are certain things that women should inherently want out of life, such as marriage and having children, and if you do not want those things there is something defective about you.

19. As a woman, the question you should be asking yourself as you enter your career is unquestionably “How do I have it all?” The underlying assumption is always that you want both a family life and a career, lest you be considered lazy or immature on either front.

20. There are certain choices we can make in life which are inherently more feminist than others, such as choosing to delay family life in order to have a high-powered career.

21. Sex work is something dirty and shameful, and being an educated, hard-working, good person and being a sex worker are mutually exclusive.

22. There is a way to date and have sex and meet people which is more moral and respectable than another.

23. Your sexuality should always be someone else’s business, and other people should get a say in the control you have over your own body.

24. If you are a take-charge person who is hard-working and demanding of others the way many men who are deeply respected in business might be, you are a bitch. And that is that.

Valentines

Valentine's day. Perhaps the most commercialised holiday there is in this planet. For as long as I have been with my boyfriend, I have told him one thing: don't get me flowers, no matter what the occasion is. I was met with a very confused look: "Is this a trick?". No, it is not. It is a personal preference. Yes, I get that all females in this planet seem to love flowers, but I am not one of these people. Which makes me not female. ha! (KIDDING.) No, I don't want you to take me out on a Valentine's dinner. I much prefer if you would cook for me. Bonus points if you cook what I asked you to cook.

The Valentines just passed, I count my lucky starts that I did not receive any flowers, thankyouverymuch. I am so relieved every time this happens because it means he still remembers that I don't want flowers. The fact that he remembers is something that I treasure very much.

The week before Valentines though, I came home to three blue boxes on my dresser and I excitedly open them to find the most beautiful gifts of love from the mister. You know when you unexpectedly receive something that you love but have never asked before, for no apparent reason, other than, well, maybe something along the lines of, you're awesome and I am so happy you are in my life sort of thing?

And it just so happened, you know, that it was leading up to Valentines, and it was like, whoa, baby, you bought me presents? And I was this close of asking him, okay, what did you do?, but of course, I didn't because it's like, hey, gifts are meant to be received graciously, yes?

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are so kind and I am so grateful. xx

Thank God for painkillers

Good morning, it's Sunday. I am sitting in bed and yes, there is still pain, but the pain is significantly less than yesterday. Disclaimer: this is probably due to the fact that I just swallowed a bunch of painkillers. I know I am old and I feel like my body is giving up on me, but I don't think it is that old, you know, so I am hopeful that I am recovering in due course, and meanwhile, I am stuck here practising the virtue of patience, an art that I've been crafting since a few years ago with hardly any hope of mastering. As they said, practice makes perfect. Meanwhile I am sitting here border lining on drifting to another dimension due to overdose.

There are of course a lot of good things that arise from this pain. Like yesterday, my best friend came over and one thing led to another and I found myself being massaged by her, because she, like, loves me that much, you know. It was so fucking awesome and the relief was so good while it lasted because I haven't seen her for like a while and was busy talking to her about everything, and inevitably, some of those topics were stressful for me, so the pain returned full force and I was once again rendered useless for the afternoon. Lesson learnt. Don't talk about stressful topics. Just relax and enjoy the plethora of massages coming my way.

I mean, I get that I have to manage my stress levels and I think most of the time I sort of have it manageable. Then again, I know that there are certain things in this life that I have to make peace with for my own sake, and for these things, I still have a long way to go. For everything else, there's painkillers. Ha!

A quick personal update and my view on education

It is Saturday morning and the sun is shining brightly, I can see it from my window. I am still very much in pain, although it is significantly less than what it was the day before. A lot less in a way that I am able to sit up in bed and type this. Still painful, but a lot less than yesterday.

I realise that I take my body for granted. It is only recently that I start exercising regularly and eating properly, and yes, there is a part of me that wishes that I had done this way earlier, like as in when I was younger or something. BUT, better now than never right?

The good news is that aside from the shoulder pain, I don't have any other pain. The pain in my shoulders permeates to my neck and my lower head, thus resulting in this persistent headache; yet I am still able to function fine. Andddd, it gives me time to write this because I did not go to the gym as planned. It is not that I don't want to write, I do want to write, but in order to have something to write about, I have to live my life, so living my life takes precedence over writing about my life at this stage.

It is going to be fine, I know it. Meanwhile, forgive me for whining and whinging. It's kind of nice to have you guys fuss over me. Hehe.

***

As some of you might have known, I think quite a lot about the value of (formal) education, defined as schooling in some institution, like a school, or university or colleges, TAFE, or whatever. I am thankful of the education that I've had, thankful of my teachers and a lot of inspirational people that I've met along the way, and especially thankful of my parents who funded these experiences. I know that attaining education is not the solution to everything in life, but it is a good start, and I think it is definitely something worth persisting in.

I mean, I tend to see the attainment of education, ultimately, as an experience in life that we choose to go through, and just like any other experience in this life, we make the most of it. Ok, we try to make the most of it. And just like any other experience in life, it is so much better if we approach it with a lot of enthusiasm. A lot of things in this life are overrated, but I think enthusiasm is not one of those things.

Then that brings the question, if you are not enthusiastic about attaining education, and you've tried to be enthusiastic and you just couldn't bring yourself to it, what do you do? Do you persist with education or not?

Believe it or not, I get asked this question a lot of times and I do not know the answer to that. Education has been beneficial to me, and I understand that it is not for everybody. That's really my honest answer. But I get the feeling that people do not want to hear this. And it is especially hard when they say "I know you would be honest with me, so tell me".

I think, an essential part of life is to work out what works for you and what doesn't. And to obtain the skills to make the things that do not work out for you to work for you. And to work out what it is that you really want in your life. The last one is the hardest one for me. I am still learning.

Struggling

I am well aware that given I do live in a first world country, there is that tendency of my blog to be indundated by first world problems. I am also aware that I made it a point not to dwell on these problems. Subsequently I realise if I were to not talk about my struggles (which are all "first world" in nature), then I quite literally have nothing to blog about right now. So. Bear with me.

The month of January was the month that I planned to be full of travel. We ventured off to Melbourne (which was awesomeee), then Jakarta, which as y'all know by now, left me with a strong aversion to this thing we call rain. Holidays are great! I feel rested, rejuvenated and etc etc.

Going back to work was a struggle. It was not so much that I don't like my job, I do like what I do for a living. It was a struggle of adapting to a new routine. You know, the routine whereby I wake up early every day and then go to work. Yeah, that routine went out the window during the holiday and easing myself into it was just, for lack of my ability to pick a different word, hard.

I said this line over and over again to myself everyday: the best time to go to the gym is when you don't feel like that (in the absence of physical pain, of course). And in the past week or so, I skipped the gym more often than I actually go (went to the gym 3 out of 7 days). On the days I did not go, I just could not be bothered waking up when my alarm is telling to wake up. I am usually besties with my alarm clock, we try to beat each other every morning as to who can wake up earlier - and I usually win, by like 2 minutes. However, as is the case in every friendship/relationship, sometimes you have to let the other party win, right? Yeah sure. That's what I told myself anyway. My alarm clock is probably offended that I choose sleep over it.

What the fuck is happening to me? Surely, this is normal right? Any other person who has been on a holiday would feel this way too right? Because it is like we have to adapt to a new routine all over again, and it's like, whaaaattt... you want me to wake up early, go running and then go to work? Can we skip something here? Since it's the first thing that I skipped, I subsequently had no time for the second thing and was lucky to be just in time for the third. I swear it is not that I am avoiding exercise, although given my track record, you could be forgiven for thinking that.

But there are moments during which I feel weak because I succumbed to the temptation of sleeping in. I feel weak because of enough things during the course of my life, and I want to not feel weak whenever I can help it, and this is definitely one of the things that I know I can help, so why is it so fucking hard to stick to the routine? The routine that was working fine since mid October through mid January... man, starting to develop this habit is even harder than developing the habit in the first place. You know how we have muscle memory? Do we also have habit memory? Can someone, anyone, answer this?