#ThrowbackThursday: Another one from my personal archive

I have been battling a cold in the past few days. It's like I escaped the flood to much drier lands, and promptly got sick as my body's way of just releasing all the stress hormones that had been accumulating prior to landing in Sydney. This, coupled with homesickness, equals resting, in bed for most of the time. Yesterday I felt strong enough for a fried chicken feed and life got infinitely better ever since.

Being sick meant I had too much time in my hands to do ... absolutely nothing. It is a weird feeling and while this was exactly what I intended to do while I was in Jakarta, it is somehow rather odd doing that in Sydney. I am perpetually grateful being here where it is dry and currently not too hot, and my apartment is comfortable; and needless to say, the presence of both my laptop and internet meant I have that constant desire to work. I am a workaholic after all, and workaholics don't switch off when they can switch on.

But I did switch off since I landed and I intend to remain in this state for a few more days, after which I will be back full swing and enjoying life differently than I am now. Something to look forward to.

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I can't stop thinking about ... life. That's perhaps one of the most terrible ways to describe it, and I am out of words to even begin to explain my thoughts. Here I am in Sydney, feeling comfortable, there are moments whereby I feel luxurious, not because I have a maid to attend to me, but because I have running hot water.

Does it bother me that I am so comfortable here while the majority of Jakarta's inhabitants were eating out of a common kitchen (dapur umum) and could not go back home? A little bit. I do feel guilty, a little bit. Then I realise that me feeling guilty is not contributing to the betterness of the situation, so I made the decision to stop feeling so and start focusing on the things in my life that I do enjoy. The things that I get to enjoy, first and foremost because I won the genetic lottery (to which I have no say to), and all the subsequent blessings ever since. But does it bother me to see that there are people who work harder than me and are less fortunate than me?

The last time I spoke about this topic, I got into trouble, and because of that I am now very reluctant to talk about this again. I am human, I do have a heart, and I do feel guilty occasionally. Then again, this is life and I do not have a say on a lot of things in this life, including the state of the world and the fact that some economies collapsed (or on the brink of collapsing) and that a lot of people are hungry or are poor. I can be one of those people who devote their lives to a course towards the betterment of the world, but I am not that way inclined, so much so that I know that I am going to get depressed if I were to live my life that way. A depressed me is not going to be useful to the world, so I choose to keep myself happy instead.

Let's face it, my sphere of influence is limited.

Plus, I am selfish. A lot of the things that I do are geared towards improving myself and the people around me, and not so much the world. I try not to do so at the expense of deterioration of the world, so I recycle and what not, you know, the stuff that we all do here in the land of Oz.

It annoyed me when people say something along the lines of "you grew up privileged, therefore you do not know hardship/how hard some people have to live/etc". It is not so much because I do not know hardship, perhaps it is true I don't know hardship at all, I never spend a day feeling hungry or not having enough to eat.  It is more because for the life that I have right now, I do work hard for it. None of these things come easy for me. English is my second language and I spent the last eighteen years perfecting my communication in this language and even so, I still make mistakes, some errors are blatantly obvious, requiring numerous corrections by various people, only to be repeated the next time I said the same thing. That is a daily battle, for me. Because I am a perfectionist like that I want to be able to articulate my thoughts exactly as I think them. Because I am rather judgemental when I see an arrogant person flaunting their wealth while not being able to speak English properly, especially if they live in a country whose national language is English. [CHILL people, this is directed for people who are (1) arrogant in (2) flaunting their wealth. If these two things do not apply to you, then this sentiment is not applicable to you. A lot of people (whose English is a second language) do not speak English perfectly. Stop being so sensitive.]

Anyway, back to the point. I grew up privileged. I work hard for my life. That work is hard for me, and its value is not negated by the mere fact that I grew up privileged. I mean, in this society, everyone is rooting for the underdog. Everyone wants the little guy to succeed. Everyone loves a transformation story. What about the guy with the upper hand?? It is not just the pressure to perform; it is the pressure to perform well.

I am still human. Running 5kms for me is the same as everyone else, ok, perhaps different because everyone else seems to be fitter than me, so they run faster. I occasionally run as hard and manage to pull of a personal best. Being stuck in the flood is the same for everyone, regardless of their social standing. You are surrounded by deep water, you have no food and no clean water. And you can't go anywhere unless you have a boat. Arguably, a richer person can pay his way out of the flood, compared to someone who has no means to get himself out of the flood, but trust me that either way it is still unpleasant, and it is not nice to write off the relatively well of person's feelings just because he is relatively well off.